MOTHERHOOD IS HARD

*This is kind of a scatter-brained post, but I felt like sharing so many of my thoughts and feelings about being a mom/wife/woman. I hope you enjoy it, even if it is a little out of order. :) Maybe it will help me when I have my baby shortly, and am dealing with those super fun post partum emotions. 

Being a woman is such an amazing, kick-ass, crazy good thing. I genuinely can say I love being a female, even if it sometimes comes with rollercoasters of emotions (I swear I am more emo than the average girl), inevitable self image issues, and so on. I also love to surround myself with wonderful women. I have a very close group of girlfriends that I have been in friendships with for over 2 decades. I have the most beautiful and kind sisters, and a mom and grandma who taught me so many life changing lessons and raised me to be strong. My mother-in-law is the most selfless, and patient person I've ever known. I have made so many "mom" friends over my short course of being a mother, and I absolutely love every one of these relationships. I am so lucky to be surrounded with the best of the best.

The other day, I was on a Skype call with a company that we have worked with before. Anya was asked to travel for a shoot for them, so we had to do a fitting online. As soon as it was over, I was instantly critiquing myself. I was so worried that I didn't say the right things, Anya didn't fit the bill, we weren't wanted, I could have been more prepared, etc. Unfortunately, I find myself doing this more often than not, and it just made me realize how self-critical we are as not only moms, or women, but humans in general. It's too bad we can't see ourselves through the eyes of others. I look at a lot of people I know, or don't know, and have so much admiration for them. Why is it so hard to do the same thing with ourselves? We are so much better and greater than we give ourselves credit for.

I'll be the first to admit, I find sometimes myself having a hard time feeling fulfilled in my role of motherhood. Something inside of me is quick to question my worth as a mom, and I know I'm not alone. I don't mean my kids don't do it for me, because, obviously they are the most perfect, beautiful people I've ever met. I definitely have more productive, patient, playful days with my babies, and then there are times I find myself being snippy to my sweet girls. I have found the best way to balance myself, my emotions, my marriage, and my children is to take time for myself. Even if it's sitting in my room alone with my coffee in the morning before my kids are up, or at nap time, I just function better if I take a quick 10 minutes or so for myself.

There have been times I have been so pissy with my husband, when he did nothing to deserve that, so I just had to escape the house to go to the grocery store, or just run to grab a drink and sit in silence. My husband has been far more patient than I deserve, and seeing him the way he is as a dad makes me want to step up my game as a mom. I know each parent is completely different and great in their own ways, but I am forever thankful to have married someone so devoted to his kids. He was raised by the best, and to be the best. Dads have never been an easy thing for me to wrap my head around (as I was raised without one), but I was absolutely being watched over when I found my sweet Pierce. He has shattered every doubt about what a dad meant to me, and holy shit did I luck out.

I also have had my fair share of struggles with depression throughout my life. When I became a mom for the first time, I went through SO MANY emotions. I was struggling with Post Partum Depression, and didn't really realize it at the time. I remember crying my eyes out holding Anya in the middle of the night, wondering if she even knew me. I had just created this life, yet I felt so alone. I remember being angry at certain parts of my childhood. I had the absolute hardest time accepting my new body, and cringed every time I saw a picture of myself, or looked in the mirror. It was a huge culture shock and wake up call to me. I am so thankful to say that chapter of my life is in the past, because it not only sucked so hard, it taught me way more than I ever thought I would know about myself and my limits.

I know this is a really random post, but I just wanted to reach out and let any of you reading this, whether you're struggling with PPD, your relationships, your role as a mom/wife, being alive, whatever it may be, that you are here for a reason, and you are AWESOME. The pressure of social media, comparison, or just self doubt is so real. I hope you realize you are doing your best, and that is ALWAYS enough. You are enough.

xoxo, Tori

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